


you're worse than nicotine

by theaesthetics



Category: VIXX
Genre: Implied/Referenced Cheating, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:45:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaesthetics/pseuds/theaesthetics
Summary: Secretly, Wonsik wishes Jaehwan’s lips tasted like the chapstick of his past, the lip balm he would find pasted to his own lips after a dizzy night of kissing.But that was his past, and Jaehwan is his present.





	

**Author's Note:**

> cross posted on my old aff like two years ago  
> sorry navi fans

 

Jaehwan smokes, and Wonshik doesn’t like it.

His kisses taste stale, every second bitter and ashy. The apartment smells of smoke, a scent Wonshik isn’t so used to yet. He sometimes forgets what Jaehwan looks like without a cigarette hanging from his lopsided lips. Wonshik doesn’t like how dry Jaehwan’s voice sounds at times. He doesn’t like how smoke is on Jaehwan’s lips more than his own.

But Jaehwan sucks cock like it’s his job, and Wonshik loves it.

Maybe that’s all Wonshik likes about Jaehwan: the way he moans, the way he withers on the sheets, the way he screams Wonshik’s name. Even if his kisses taste acidic at times, the sex is outstanding. Jaehwan pleases and, well, he pleases well. He knows every button to press, much more experienced than Wonshik. Wonshik has never felt some of the things Jaehwan has made him feel. Jaehwan is addicted to the nicotine of his cigarettes, and Wonshik is addicted to curve of Jaehwan’s lips.

Wonshik has memorized the taste of smoke after months of kissing Jaehwan under sheets.

 

They have sex for what could be the hundredth time, and the taste of Jaehwan’s cigarette is stuck on Wonshik’s tongue.

He brushes his teeth four times that night. Almost a fifth, but Jaehwan calls him to bed, cigarette caught between his teeth, bouncing with every word. Jaehwan doesn’t understand Wonshik’s hatred for the taste, Wonshik knows. Wonshik isn’t accustomed to the taste, and he doesn’t think he ever will be. Secretly, Wonshik wishes Jaehwan’s lips tasted like the chapstick of his past, the lip balm he would find pasted to his own lips after a dizzy night of kissing.

But that was his past, and Jaehwan is his present.

 

It’s a long night where Jaehwan lays in bed smoking and Wonshik lays beside him silent.

Wonshik wonders if the taste of Jaehwan’s lips has transferred to his, if his lips taste permanently like cigarette smoke and ashes, and if that’s why Jaehwan kisses him so much. He remembers when Jaehwan used to tell him that he loves him, and he remembers when he said it back. Wonshik questions if he ever loved Jaehwan, if he could ever live the rest of his life like this. Jaehwan is great, when he isn’t engulfed in his smoke. He jokes and laughs, and sometimes Wonshik thinks he’s in love with him. His stomach is in knots when Jaehwan genuinely smiles.

But the next second, he’s lighting a cigarette, and Wonshik’s stomach drops. His heart stops beating because he’s not in love. And he knows it. What he has with Jaehwan is not the romance he wants. He doesn’t want to cough until his lungs burn because Jaehwan smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in one night. He doesn’t want to skip dinner just so Jaehwan can buy another pack of cigarettes at the convenience store down the road. He doesn’t want to buy the pack of cigarettes for Jaehwan because Jaehwan isn’t allowed in the store after a drunken accident. This isn’t what he wants.

But he wants Jaehwan’s lips on every inch of his body. Goddamn, he does.

 

Wonshik isn’t sure how Jaehwan came into his life, but he is a little regretful he ever met Jaehwan.

He recalls that it was after the worst breakup of his life, when he would spend his nights in bars and drown his liver because he had nowhere else to call home after he moved across the country. He remembers drinking shot after shot on a really bad night. He learned that night that tears taste like alcohol and bars close much too soon for him. He remembers seeing the bartender, a young lad with long hair, picking up pieces of glass after a fight happened. The bartender seemed much too used to this. Wonshik was about to stumble out of the bar when someone stepped out of the shadows, and that is the last thing he remembers.

He woke up the next morning in someone else’s bed. He learned that the person’s name was Jaehwan, and he was rather kind. Jaehwan let Wonshik stay in his apartment for about a week. Wonshik’s week consisted of thinking about Jaehwan in the worst ways, and it made him feel filthy. But he couldn’t stop. Jaehwan’s lips appeared so soft, but the way they moved showed he knew how to use them. He wanted to make Jaehwan sweat. Jaehwan was pretty.

He had a pretty cock, too.

 

Talking to Jaehwan always leaves a sour taste in Wonshik’s mouth.

Jaehwan’s words are small, but they pack a punch. He speaks little about himself, and Wonshik is unsure of Jaehwan’s life. Jaehwan doesn’t work much. Wonshik isn’t sure how Jaehwan maintains keeping the apartment on his own. Jaehwan doesn’t have much money. He spends too much on cigarettes and too little on everything else. Jaehwan doesn’t have priorities unless it’s wrapped up in paper and lit with a lighter.

Wonshik never knows what to say when he’s talking to Jaehwan. They’ve been in a relationship for eight months now, and he has never once talked about his dreams and goals, his wants and needs, his future and past. Deep down, he’s rather thankful for the not talking about his past. He does not want to revisit when he was at his happiest, because he knows there is a crash after every high. And he had crashed hard when he lost his past. He did not wish to go back to that time, for he would only crash again.

And he knew Jaehwan would not help him.

 

It’s a late night when his phone rings, and that itself is odd.

Wonshik had moved away from his past. He did not want any reminder of what he had had, of what had made him so happy. Wonshik isn’t sure he could ever be happy again. He remembers the words his past screamed at him, the swears and the insults. His past was never one to yell, always giggling and smiling. Seeing his past so angry at him made him angry at himself. His past would not stop yelling, and Wonshik slept in his car that night. He never saw his past again. It is his fault, anyway. His past had every right to be mad at him. He would be surprised if his past ever wanted to speak to him again.

And surprised he was, since it was his past calling him.

His past says hello, and the greeting sounds hollow. Something is upsetting his past, but Wonshik isn’t meant to pry, not after what he had done to his past. Wonshik does not want to say something to mess this up. He is careful with his words. It would tear him apart if his past hung up on him.

His past has a new boyfriend, he learned. His past still lives in the apartment where his past lost his virginity and Wonshik lost his mind. His past is picking up the pieces of his life that Wonshik had shattered. Wonshik’s heart is heavy throughout their entire conversation. He swallows hard and tells his past that he has a new boyfriend, too. Wonshik lies about Jaehwan, says Jaehwan is nice and kind and that he’s in love with Jaehwan. He knows his past can detect each lie, but Wonshik doesn’t have the conscious to tell his past he wants his old life back. His past apologizes for calling. Wonshik tells his past that it’s okay. It’s more than okay to call. His past says goodnight and hangs up.

Wonshik is in tears the second he drops his phone on the bathroom sink.

 

His past calls again.

It becomes a nightly thing. Wonshik hides in the bathroom and whispers to his past about his present. Jaehwan is always in their shared room when Wonshik’s past calls, and Wonshik is afraid Jaehwan will hear. Wonshik knows, oh, he knows, that Jaehwan wouldn’t care if Wonshik talked to his past. Jaehwan wouldn’t care if Wonshik left the apartment to go back to his past, for Jaehwan doesn’t care about anything Wonshik did. Wonshik had liked it at first. Now, he just feels bitter. He wants the dynamic of fighting and screaming and shouting and breaking in each other’s arms and sobbing and kissing and telling each other everything will be okay. He misses it. He wants Jaehwan to be his past.

His past is crying. Wonshik is unsure of what to do. The last time he heard his past cry, he was drunk and in the wrong bed. That was when his past was screaming at Wonshik to not touch him, to leave him alone. Wonshik was too drunk to reach out to him anyway, and Wonshik knows he was hurting his past. His past is still hurt over what Wonshik had done. His past tells Wonshik. Wonshik doesn’t need to be told to know, however. His past’s voice is brittle, and Wonshik knows it would only be a few calls before his past broke.

Secretly, Wonshik cannot wait to break, too.

 

Jaehwan leaves for the night.

Wonshik asks where he is going, and Jaehwan replies with one word. Out. Wonshik leaves it at that. He sits by his phone for whenever his past decides to call. He is shaking. Jaehwan is gone. He can say whatever he wanted, and he knows this would be the night he broke and confessed to his past everything. Jaehwan is not nice, he is not in love, and he misses his past. He misses the taste of lip balm and sweetness. He misses being in love and being loved.

His past calls. Wonshik’s heart races.

Before he can stop himself, Wonshik is crying. He’s telling his past everything about Jaehwan, everything Jaehwan is not. He’s sobbing now, words ripped from his throat and it is hurting him. He can barely breathe at this point, but he is still choking on his words and coming clean to his past. He wants his life back. He wants everything back. He realizes that love does not stop and feelings do not change, even if you move across the country. He realizes that life is a short thread and love is the blade that cuts it. Wonshik’s life is falling. His thread has been cut, and he has been laying bare on the cold ground for a long, long time. He pauses for a minor second in his confession to his past, to breathe, to recollect his thoughts. He speaks again, and he cannot believe his own voice. He sounded so vulnerable, more vulnerable than the ashes that fell off Jaehwan’s cigarette when he smoked. They fell, and so did he.

His past does not respond. It is a different voice. Wonshik knows he is in trouble. His past’s boyfriend is talking; his tone is harsh. He tells Wonshik to fuck off, to never call again.

And Wonshik doesn’t.

 

Jaehwan’s lips taste like cigarettes, and Wonshik cannot get enough of them.

Wonshik is rough this time, much rougher than he has ever been. Jaehwan notices. He is smiling up at Wonshik as Wonshik is fucking the life out of him. Jaehwan does not know, but with every thrust, Wonshik is letting go of his past. He’s letting go of everything. He screams as he comes. Jaehwan does not know, but with his scream, Wonshik is screaming his past away. He’s screaming his past out of his head. Wonshik pauses for a few beats, still on top of Jaehwan.

Jaehwan asks for a second round later that night. Wonshik can tell he is much too wound up. Wonshik almost tells Jaehwan he loves him after they kiss, but he stops himself. Jaehwan is cigarette smoke and pain, not love. Wonshik agrees to a second round, and he fucks Jaehwan until he can’t breathe. Jaehwan is short of breath, as well. He is screaming at Wonshik. Wonshik thinks he hears Jaehwan tell him he loves him somewhere in his screams, but everything is blurry to Wonshik. He is seeing stars. Jaehwan presses a hand to Wonshik’s neck. Jaehwan is coming with a loud moan. He breathes out Wonshik’s name, withering.

Wonshik moans Hakyeon’s name when he comes.


End file.
